She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
