I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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