I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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