Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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