she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
