M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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