I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My bed smells like the plague
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
