yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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