I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
