I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
