if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Still dying that you shit outside
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
