I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
