This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
