So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
