there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
