Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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