how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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