I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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