Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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