I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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