drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
