I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
