On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
4 words: hood of his car
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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