Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
