Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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