I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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