he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
