I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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