I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
