I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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