This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize