update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
