Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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