The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize