someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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