I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
