sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
