I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
