I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
