the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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