Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
