we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
