hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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