Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
