I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
