Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
