I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
