I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
