How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
