Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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