my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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