does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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