Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize