Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
