Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
