you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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