We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
