I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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