wrigley field is MILF paradise
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
