I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
