I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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