Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
